Artiste
by JanuaryFriend
Summary: The world may be a stage, but Tenten is by no means an actress. Of course, that has never been a problem before this mission. A sleazy bar, too much to drink, and-- Is that woman hitting on Neji?


_Naruto _© Masashi Kishimoto.

_Author's note: This came to me last night when I couldn't sleep, and it's really just a bizarre slice-of-life, slightly romantic fic. I had a lot of trouble wrapping it up, so any comments will be appreciated. _

**Artiste**

_I really can't stand this stuff._

Grimacing, Tenten swallows the first mouthful of cheap sake, feels it slide down her throat in a long and burning trail. Fighting a gag reflex, she takes another gulp and is relieved to see the tiny cup is now empty. Setting the chipped white vessel-- not real porcelain, just some kind of bad imitation pottery-- onto the less than immaculate wooden table, she glances around disinterestedly.

The border inn where Team Gai has come to meet their informant is not a luxurious one-- small guest rooms, minimal staff, no hot springs, and no room service. Despite this, the rooms are clean and fairly priced, the employees are friendly, and the traditional dishes from the kitchen are good, as long as you are willing to walk down to the dinning room. No, the inn is not sumptuous, but Tenten and her teammates have stayed in worse places, and they will make do.

Of course, the inn itself was one thing; the sleazy town bar attached to the inn is proving to be quite another.

In the corner to Tenten's right, the dart players are out of beer. That is not really a bad thing, though; as she watches, one winds up rather dramatically before flinging a bolt right into the squalid saloon's extra slow clock. The poor apparatus falls loudly to the ground and chimes once before falling silent, never to be heard from again. Meanwhile, the genius responsible for its destruction calls for another round, raising his voice over the sound of his laughing friends.

The bartender does not even look up, just begins measuring out the alcohol. "Right away."

As the middle-aged, extra-large waitress slides past her rickety table with two bottles precariously balanced on a small platter, Tenten reaches out her right hand to pluck at the woman's sleeve. Holding her small cup aloft in her left, she asks, "Can I please get another?"

The woman squints at her-- though whether she suspects something, or is just nearsighted, Tenten cannot tell -- before setting her tray onto the next vacant table and taking the empty glass. Large-fisted hands set upon her hips, she turns her back to Tenten. "Honey, you can have anything you want, long as you're willing to pay for it. Now, were you having the warm or chilled sake?"

"Warm," Tenten replies, noting that the waitress does not appear the least bit surprised. Hard drinking women must not be in the minority here. She takes out a handful of the obligatory coins, passes them over, and grabs carelessly at the now-filled cup. Some of the hot wine splashes over the rim and runs down her black leather gloves, finally pooling onto the poorly varnished surface. Just one more stain on the already dirty tabletop.

_I really, absolutely can't stand this stuff._

Chocolate eyes peer across the dim room and glare daggers at the captain of her team. Neji Hyuga is sitting at the bar with his back to her, sipping his green tea and eavesdropping on the conversation of some nearby card players. It is his fault they are here; not convinced that their informant is trustworthy, he had insisted on talking to the locals, incognito of course, and getting a feel for the man before tomorrow's meeting. Why he had chosen a tavern to do so was beyond Tenten.

_He's doing a pathetic job at blending in._

Turing her eyes away from the aggravating Hyuga, Tenten lifts her cup and blows briefly upon the steaming liquid before hurriedly gulping it down. Sake has never really been her thing, but neither Neji nor her other squad mate Rock Lee have any tolerance for the stuff, and so it falls to her to play the part of the mysterious alcoholic loner. Of course, the last time she had been forced to act like this, they were actually after a drug lord, and not just spying on some tipsy townspeople.

_Damn boys, they always get the easy jobs._

The lightweight Rock Lee had been banned from the smelly tavern before the mission even started, and was currently outside acting as the friendly, overdressed and overcurious sightseer in a town that had little to recommend in the way of tourism. As Tenten signals for another round, she cannot help but wish she had been given _that_ job instead. At least it would have been easier, on both her stomach and her already-light wallet.

_I'd better get reimbursed for all of this._

Back at the bar, Neji turns half-way around and glances momentarily about the room before returning to his watery drink. The quick glimpse that Tenten gets of his face-- impassive as ever, but with a worried wrinkle bisecting the naked green curse mark-- confirms her suspicions. They may not be wearing their standard issue forehead protectors or be visibly armed, but these backwoods people are distrustful of them just the same, and in no mood for disclosure. All of this pretending has so far been for naught.

_Why in the hell did we even get this mission?_

It is a good question, one worth pondering as Tenten downs the next glass of sake. Team Gai-- herself especially-- have never been particularly famous for their subterfuge. Speed? Yes. Fighting prowess? Of course. Oddball teacher? Certainly. Even their hairstyles have come to be widely recognized over the years, and Tenten had to admit that the little Academy student she had seen wearing buns as a tribute was positively adorable. But really, Team Gai is not comprised of good actors, so why were they even here?

At the far end of the saloon, the door slides open. Tenten thinks nothing of it, until the wolf whistles begin.

"Ichigo, looking for some new blood? You know I'll marry you, baby."

"C'mon, sweetheart. You can come home with me."

"Hey, honey. I may be old, but everything still works!"

Twisting around in her chair, Tenten watches as what must be the most beautiful woman in town makes her entrance. The girl is perhaps her age, maybe just a little older, although to even describe her with the word 'old' seems a crime. She is perfectly proportioned and tall, and her tight red dress and stiletto heels only serve to accentuate all of this. Strawberry blonde hair, parted to the side, falls to her waist, and her green eyes are framed by the longest, darkest lashes that Tenten has ever seen. All in all, the woman-- Ichigo-- is gorgeous.

Tenten, who is by nature a kind and generous individual, hates her immediately.

Sliding the wobbly door shut behind her, Ichigo flips her hair over her bare shoulder and glances around the shadowy room. She smiles flirtatiously at the bartender, her teeth almost unnaturally white against her red lipstick, and then stalks sexily toward the bar. Slinking past Tenten's table, she does not even spare the other girl a glance. Tenten is hard pressed not to stick out her foot and trip the young woman; instead, she sighs and settles for another glass.

_This just keeps getting better and better. _

As Tenten watches, Ichigo walks up to the grimy counter and pulls a tiny silken purse from between her considerable breasts. She tosses it casually upon the bar, murmurs something to the smiling barkeep, and slides easily onto the rickety stool directly to the left of Neji's. The Hyuga has done an admirable job of ignoring her so far, but she starts addressing him while waiting for her drink. Much to Tenten's horror, after the first few seductive attempts, he begins conversing quietly with her.

_It's none of your business._

Tenten plops her half-empty cup onto the table, feeling just a little bit disgusted with herself. She really should be paying more attention to the mission, should be focusing more on the task at hand. Getting information on their contact is far more important than spying on her capable teammate and the man-eater beside him. Glancing back toward the ogling dart players, Tenten heaves a heavy sigh and resolves to do just that. Her chair scraps loudly across the uneven floor as she stands up--

Laughter rings out from the direction of the bar, loud and long and-- at least as far as Tenten is concerned-- grating. Against her better judgment, the _kunoichi_ turns her head to look; the temptress Ichigo is chortling, her head thrown back and the long white column of her throat visible. Breasts are bouncing with her mirth, and her newly mixed drink is in danger of falling from her hands. The men in the room are amazed by her, but all Tenten can think about is what Neji must have said to get such a reaction. Her teammate is no jokester.

After a few heartbeats more, Ichigo seems to recover herself. Crossing her legs, she sets her drink down upon the counter and leans closer to Neji, bending slightly at the waist and thus ensuring he gets the best possible view of what she terms her "good side." Tenten cannot help wishing that she would just fall off the damn stool, but as she watches the girl points one manicured red nail at Neji's engraved forehead and asks a question that she cannot hear.

_Now you've done it._

Tenten grins, smiling like the cat that has swallowed the cream. If there is one thing that her squad mate is sensitive about, it is his curse mark, and she knows instinctively that he will not want to explain its long and convoluted history to a bimbo who has just mistaken it for a tattoo. Tenten has seen Neji run other girls off before this. Whatever it is that Ichigo was expecting, whatever she wanted from Neji, she will not be getting it now. The girl is as good as gone.

After a quick rebuff from the said _shinobi_, Ichigo settles back into her seat. Her full lips are pursed into a thin line, green eyes lowered. She stares into her drink for a long time, tapping her nails anxiously upon the glass, knocking little droplets of condensation onto the counter. Tenten chuckles to see the girl so put out-- really, what else was she expecting? No matter how many local men she had seduced over the years, Neji was way out of her league.

Tenten's smile fades when, a bare moment later, Ichigo leans over and places a delicate hand upon Neji's white-clad thigh, whispering what must be an apology.

_You have got to be kidding me!_

Tenten is not sure where the sharp stab of jealousy comes from. She had long ago come to terms with the fact that she was in love with her best friend and training partner, and she had much more recently come to realize that Neji was simply not interested in her in that way. She had sworn that it was all right, that she would not let it bother her. She promised that she would never let her feelings affect a mission, never fall apart like Ino or Sakura or Hinata. Tenten had promised to always be herself, the able _kunoichi_.

Of course, today she was supposed to act like anything but a ninja…

_Oh, to hell with it._

Tenten grabs her cup and quaffs the last bit of vile sake, screwing up all her courage as she does so. After slamming her glass down upon the table so forcefully that it breaks in two, she shoves her chair noisily out of the way. No one pays her the slightest attention; they are all to busy watching the lusty and repentant Ichigo's performance. Tenten snorts derisively; if everything goes well, she will soon put an end to all of that ridiculousness.

Tenten rips off her leather gloves, tucks them away into her white shirt. The next thing to go are the silken ribbons from her buns. The brown braids begin to slowly unravel, and she impatiently, mercilessly rakes her fingers through them. Finally, her hair falls in gentle waves, curling tantalizing over her breasts. For the first time in her life, Tenten wishes that she were wearing something more revealing; her boobs are not as large as Ichigo's, but at least they are _real_. That should count for something.

The final and most important touch is something pulled gently from a hidden pocket: a tiny ring, given to her by Gai on her sixteenth birthday. It is the one and only piece of jewelry that Tenten owns, and she carries it with her everywhere, but it is not simply decoration. The white pearl that is set into the top of the band is not a pearl at all, but a crystallized poison. She slips it onto the third finger of her left hand, pauses to admire it. The poor lighting really does not do it justice, but it does not matter. She spins it around, so that only the gold band shows.

Now Tenten is ready, but she still has a few concerns. She is not an actress. Not a good one, at any rate. Suppose Ichigo sees right through her? Or Neji fails to play along? Perhaps worst of all, suppose he is truly enjoying her company and does not even wish to be saved? Tenten nibbles on her lower lip; she can still taste the sake lingering there. Yes, there are still a handful of things to be concerned about.

But she decides that she does not care.

It is not easy, crossing the uneven floor whilst slightly inebriated and wearing two-inch wedges, but Tenten manages it with her natural grace and the help of some chakra. Before anyone has time to notice her, she is standing at the bar behind the two and has thrown her arms around Neji's neck. The hand with the faux wedding ring nearly ends up in Ichigo's face, and the other woman leans away, shocked by her sudden appearance. Tenten ignores her. "Darling, there you are! I've been looking all over for you."

To his credit, the usually stoic Neji handles her sudden clinginess very well. He tilts his head back in an attempt to look Tenten in the eyes, but his stool is too high, and he cannot lean back far enough. Carefully disengaging himself from the prison of her arms, he turns slowly around to face her. Opening his mouth to speak, he is cut off when Tenten slips between his knees, puts her calloused hands on either side of his face and crushes her lips to his.

It is the best pretend kiss that either of them have ever had, and it lasts for some time.

When they finally break for air, Tenten finds that Ichigo has stood and is paying for her drink, counting out the coins and sneaking peeks at the woman who has so unfortunately ruined all of her plans for the evening. Tenten cannot help but rub it in; she brushes back a lock of the shocked Neji's ebony hair and announces loudly, "I took the test an hour ago, and I just could not wait to tell you the results! We're going to have a baby!"

The slamming of the tavern door punctuates her words, and she revels in the sucesss of her mission. Ichigo is gone.

Neji arches one thin eyebrow and purses his lips, trying very hard to appear both unmoved by her over-the-top performance and disappointed in her failure to obey orders. There is a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth though, one that only his long-time teammate can see. "A baby?"

Tenten giggles, and leans harder against him, putting her hands on his on top of his thighs to steady herself. She cannot explain either her sense of lightheadedness or her trembling legs. All she knows is that she feels wonderfully elated, better than she has ever felt before. Pressing another kiss to his jaw line, she murmurs, "Well, those dinky home pregnancy tests have been known to be wrong before."

Neji nods sagely. "People often misread the signs. Especially when they are intoxicated."

"I'm not drunk," Tenten protests, slurring her words just the tiniest bit. She leans her silky head against his clavicle, inhales the scent of him, and closes her chocolate eyes. "Just a little sleepy."

Neji swallows a lump in his throat, and very carefully slides off the barstool, making sure not to overbalance Tenten in the process. After settling their tab, he puts one strong arm around her shoulders to steady her, and they move slowly toward the door. He may not have gotten the information that he had wanted, but this part of the mission is definitely over; his subordinate needs some rest.

"Neji?" Tenten's eyes are still closed, and one hand wraps tightly into the fabric of his shirt. Her feet suddenly cease to move, and Neji finds that he is now going to have to pull her weight along. While he is not looking forward to such a task, at least she is not wearing her customary heavy scroll. "I did really well, didn't I?"

Neji rolls open the door and pulls her out into the weak sunshine. Squinting against the light to see her unpturned face, he says, "Are you asking about your performance at the bar?"

There is no answer; Tenten has passed out.

Neji allows himself a minute smile before bending to whisper in her ear. "Yes, you are an artiste."

And if the kiss was any indication, he might need to get Tenten drunk more often.

* * *

**THE END**

* * *


End file.
